Shame and Stereochemistry

My paternal grandparents came over the other night, and we had a nice evening with my housemates (my cousin and her busband, the doctor/ resident director) until the topic came to me. My grandpa proudly recounted some of my autobiography, traveling to Lesotho when I graduated from college, traveling in the Peace Corps, etc.; and my housemates began to ask a few questions. Later on, my grandpa asked me about the job offer I had vs. medical school. That night, during my Ignatian examen, I asked myself, what was a prevailing or poignant emotion today? The answer: shame.
Of what? Of appearing to be changing directions, of appearing to have muddled around in the past, of being back in undergraduate courses-- NOW. In organic chemistry, we realized that we cannot know the properties of a molecule until we turn it around and flip it over and see all of its sides. Am I ashamed of my actual narrative? No; because I can see more of its' sides. Do I feel shame before the Almighty? No, because he can see all of my sides. I am ashamed, however, of the one dimension at a time that others see.
The next day, a mutual friend who is violent, has a borderline personality disorder, and will not take a job because of work on a "book", came to the conversation. I could only think-- what's on the other side?

Tests

I just finished my first round of tests for the semester. On the night before my first physics test, I felt I was not able to do the problems and could not think. I called a good friend in tears asking what was wrong with me, am I crazy?, etc..... Guess what? The test was just fine, I answered and thought through all the questions with time to spare...
The next day, I was unexpectedly offered a job interview for a prestigious charitable trust.... and my interviewer asked "How serious are you about medical school?"
This was much more difficult than the physics test, but the reasoning remained the same. First, I had to break everything down into its positive and negative components, calculating for the slight differences in angle. I am not pursuing medical school for salary and prestige... those can be attained in much less difficult ways. I am doing this because I feel a calling. I know that if I do not do it, I will always be in regret. I do this because medicine offers a unique chance to share in human suffering, to be on the ground with the least respected of humanity and to have a tool in my hands to help. I am doing this because I value the substance of gaining knowledge and skills much more than the shiny suit or business plan that could be used to gloss them over. I guess I really am choosing arete- to fulfill my fullest potential, to endure hardship and difficulty... The real reason is that, this choice is all that will undo that knot deep down in my stomach and let me go to sleep.

Fear

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." James Baldwin

The devil is
A rat terrier
And a friend, a confidante,
Tells me she heard barking
Down a certain street
On my way home
A lot of barking

And I can see
the big doberman pinscher
in my mind's eye,
know that it will rip me apart.

So I meander through the alleys,
trying to find a different way, cold
afraid, on the street,

Until I face it,
if I die, I die,
and come eye to eye
with a small, leashed
---devil.

And laugh.

"Fear Not!"

The ever- living words of Christ as the disciples feared the storm. The words of Pope John Paul II addressing the crises of faith in the modern age. I am beginning my pre- med year. With three courses successfully completed, I am going to hash out the rest -- organic chemistry, physics, biology, and Calculus this year.
These are the courses that separate those who will follow their dreams in medicine from those who will find new ones--- outside of medicine. These are the courses that I used to hear horror stories about.
I am taking these courses not at a postbaccalaureate program, but at Augustana College, a small, local liberal arts college that has been highly ranked and has a good pre- medical reputation..... and I'm not afraid.
Part of this is due to the Augustana atmosphere itself. All of my classes have less than 20 students per faculty member. All are taught by professors with Ph.D.s, who, with the exception of one lab teacher, are women. All have open door policies, continual office hours, numerous opportunities for questions and improvement. Now I know why parents pay so much for this type of experience. People who are pre- med. actually expect to make it into medical school-- because, by in large, they do! I cannot emphasize the difference between this and a large state university enough-- and I did not mention how financial aid and advising gave me a scholarship and set things up to run very smoothly....
My living situation, work situation, and school situation seem to have, beyond all expectation or anticipation, come together beautifully. Success is not simply a result of simply studying hard. Study can only happen when, deep in my gut, I know this is right, that I'm in the right place, and that I am not alone. This is the first time in my academic experience that I have not been anchored in loneliness, I'm home!
Do I know whether I will get all A's? Of course not! But, somehow, I know that I will really learn this material as well as possible, here, and whatever happens next will be right. At the bottom, it is strange, because I am really not afraid.

Arete

Within my first month in the US, I went to a friend’s wedding were former college mates, along with their spouses and families, were congregated. I, of course, was asked what I was doing and what I planned to do. I felt so ashamed that someone finally answered for me. Why had I not settled down and started a career or family? Friends in medical school advised me to simply find a job, warning me of the difficulty and sacrifice involved in medicine.
After being in the US for a few months, however, the enormity of these past four years is slowly sinking in. The gravity of what I am now after is also becoming more apparent. And I am energized by it.
In the ancient Greek culture, arête was the end of human aspiration: it was pursuit of reaching fullest potential; mentally, physically, and spiritually. It was not comfort, nor wealth, but a struggle for the ultimate good, for excellence in life, and for continuous growth.
I finished the summer Chemistry courses successfully and am now preparing to begin physics, organic chemistry, and biology for the fall. I am thinking about different medical schools, building community here in Sioux Falls, strengthening bonds with family members, and seeking spiritual growth. I try to do most of this on bike…… no I’m not after the American dream. Nothing could be closer to a premature casket for me. What is the aim? Arete.

Give an Account

Faith
Last night, my housemates and I were watching a rare television show (the first for me this summer) and the topic turned to the child abuse perpetrated by priests. Inwardly, I cringed as I anticipated the inevitable —“Sarah, what do rational, ethical Catholics think about this?” I fumbled for an answer that I did not have, wishing that I could vaporize under the chair.
The question has many forms, many topics, but can be expressed by Elton John “Imagine no religion—the world would be so wonderful, the world would be as one”….. wouldn’t it? At times, I wonder if I am making a grave assault on all of humanity by being religious, and I know that, to some people, I am.
I have to give an answer, a reason for my hope. I am religious; I am a person who has faith. I am, of sorts, a spiritual addict who would find “quitting” ultimately devastating. Am I merely ingesting the opium of the masses? You may think so.
I am spiritual because I believe that life’s purpose cannot be found in material acquisition, sexual prowess, and power. I am spiritual because I am a seeker. I am seeking beauty and truth. I am seeking personal “set apartness” a set of values and a way of living that defies my culture’s aspirations. I have faith in purpose beyond my biological cells, and yes, in a great unknowable, uncreated being beyond my definitions.
My faith is found in and focused upon the person of Jesus. He challenges me to value the people that no one else sees—and to find the value in my own brokenness. Jesus speaks of charity, that the good Samaritan was truly good because he assisted someone with a different worldview and mindset from his own—without trying to change him. Jesus takes the woman at the well and addresses the core of her being. Instead of dismissively accepting her lifestyle, he addressed what she was seeking through her series of broken relationships; a sustaining renewal.

Jesus ultimately suffered and died. He, by all measures of “normality” and “the American dream” was a complete failure. In the bread and wine, he teaches me the value of a life given, the beauty of grapes bruised and fermented instead of the fast and sweet that my culture loves.
Corruption exists now in the Church as it has existed in religious organizations throughout history. Jesus was killed by religious leaders. Jesus was betrayed by a corrupt person in his own group. I am religious, however, because of hope. Yes, in the search for beauty and truth; in mass and in Eucharistic adoration; there have been priests who committed the unthinkable. This is condoned by no one, least of all faithful church members. The harshest words of Christ were for those who offended children. Hope believes that beauty and truth still exists, even when rottenness and lies are found. Hope is affirmed by the fact that church leaders must face appropriate judicial processes, seeing the renewing effect of exposure and change.
Contrast the suffering servant who lived in poverty and died in shame with Lucifer. Lucifer was the leader of angelic music, called the morning star, prince of angels, exceeding in beauty and light. Through pride he fell, becoming the embodiment of evil. The dark side of faith, then, is very real, very dangerous. As with love, hate and heartbreak on it’s heels, faith is neither comfortable or a guaranteed good. Arrogance, entitlement, and privilege, all threaten to bring the Church to ruin. This is why I am glad to be challenged. I am glad my faith is not one of society’s norm, but one that is threatened, and forced into examination. I hope my faith will come out pure, refined; gold.

Every Day Grace

In the past 10 weeks, I have lost 5 lab partners. The chemistry course this summer is rigorous, and, to some, daunting. I already hear the dread of next term's science courses from my classmates. I ordered my books and will be preparing ahead of the Sept. 5 start date. Work is also challenging, and requires some creativity and organization, which, for some, produces stress.
Yes, to think of what I am dreaming, fear is an easy choice. But I will never have to face the whole of medicine or the whole of life in a day. Each day, instead, has it's own challenges. Conversely, each has it's own grace.
Lately, therefore, I have been focused on the minutia of what I do every day, what I accomplish in an hour, or in thirty minutes. Throughout that day, I search for the special grace to help me through it's tasks-- it can always be found. At the end of the day, I must be satisfied with it, not with the great unknown future.
I have begun to look through a bird book and try to identify the birds I usually encounter. The Gospels are very true... "Look at the birds of the field...they do not worry...the Father cares for them."