My Third- World Budget

18 pounds of Texas oranges... 7.99
Brought some to a friend from Nepal,
she asked me to stay for lunch.
She asked me to take her to her aunt's house
We went and I gave this aunt some oranges,
Aunt insisted to give me two avocados and some pomegranate
I came home and brought some oranges to my housemate,
she invited me to dinner... lasagna
Next day, I made guacamole with the avocados,
invited my housemates to dinner.. fajitas!
They enjoyed; we laughed,
Then they invited me over the next two days;
pot roast, then chili
4 days of food (not counting all the oranges I ate)
...7.99

This is the magic I learned in a place where money does not account for wealth,
this is the apothecary's stone.
This is my budget;
give
and receive.

Success

Taking undergraduate science courses in disguise, (it seems that most of my classmates don't realize I am in a different age group) I have been able to observe many pre- med, pre - pharmacy, pre- "I don't know" classmates really struggle with their coursework. Augustana College is an expensive private college and many students have high expectations to live up to. Success, getting into graduate school, a "good" school, then making "enough" money, is so externally defined, it may be impossible to achieve.
It has been a successful semester. Yes, 7 of the 10 necessary classes are done; yes, the GPA is good. After getting good grades, I wonder, maybe it was too easy.. maybe I should have been taking four science courses instead of three... external definitions really never end.
I defined success for myself two Christmasses ago, however, and it didn't include any of these things. This has been a successful year because I am part of a community, because I am healthy, because I have meaningful work, and because I have many opportunities for spiritual learning. I am successful because I earn more than I spend, because I am cooking my way through a Goan cook book and because I cannot fit all the people I know and love into my home.
My Chemistry professor last summer said that most physical chemists chose their fields because of the vibrant colors....I am definitely seeing the colors in my choices as well.

Foreigner

My lab partner just would not quit... "But WHERE are you from again?" "Earth!" was my reply. She, from the Ukraine, wonders if I am not secretly Russian. I shake hands with two hands. I pronouce the letter "T" and yes, I do know that the "Rare Rhinos from Africa" at the local zoo are not the actual rare white rhinos.

When I started the semester, I arrived early to class. I noticed that in every class, a ring of foreign students surrounded me... later on, several asked where I was from...each expecting to hear his or her continent.

When I visited the University of South Dakota's medical school, an admissions officer asked me if I was a US citizen. He then proceeded to suggest application to other schools... after all I am not a native South Dakotan...

Co- workers do the same, saying that I sound funny.. well I do bring more than my share of curries and lentils to lunch (let's not forget my 14 lb. bag of basmati rice!)

Meanwhile, there is a small Somali grocery store where most delicacies of middle eastern and eastern African origin are available, at a slight inflation. A little Arabic with the owner and I have been placed (unwillingly) into the Somali relationship grapevine...."You sure you're single? Maybe not for long!"... ok...

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful. Not just for the opportunity to see so much but for the opportunity to be so greatly altered. To be a part of a community and a part of my family. To have 250 million dollars--- Zim dollars, that is, and know what is actually of value. Blessed are the......well, not neccessarily the American dream, that's for sure.

Shame and Stereochemistry

My paternal grandparents came over the other night, and we had a nice evening with my housemates (my cousin and her busband, the doctor/ resident director) until the topic came to me. My grandpa proudly recounted some of my autobiography, traveling to Lesotho when I graduated from college, traveling in the Peace Corps, etc.; and my housemates began to ask a few questions. Later on, my grandpa asked me about the job offer I had vs. medical school. That night, during my Ignatian examen, I asked myself, what was a prevailing or poignant emotion today? The answer: shame.
Of what? Of appearing to be changing directions, of appearing to have muddled around in the past, of being back in undergraduate courses-- NOW. In organic chemistry, we realized that we cannot know the properties of a molecule until we turn it around and flip it over and see all of its sides. Am I ashamed of my actual narrative? No; because I can see more of its' sides. Do I feel shame before the Almighty? No, because he can see all of my sides. I am ashamed, however, of the one dimension at a time that others see.
The next day, a mutual friend who is violent, has a borderline personality disorder, and will not take a job because of work on a "book", came to the conversation. I could only think-- what's on the other side?

Tests

I just finished my first round of tests for the semester. On the night before my first physics test, I felt I was not able to do the problems and could not think. I called a good friend in tears asking what was wrong with me, am I crazy?, etc..... Guess what? The test was just fine, I answered and thought through all the questions with time to spare...
The next day, I was unexpectedly offered a job interview for a prestigious charitable trust.... and my interviewer asked "How serious are you about medical school?"
This was much more difficult than the physics test, but the reasoning remained the same. First, I had to break everything down into its positive and negative components, calculating for the slight differences in angle. I am not pursuing medical school for salary and prestige... those can be attained in much less difficult ways. I am doing this because I feel a calling. I know that if I do not do it, I will always be in regret. I do this because medicine offers a unique chance to share in human suffering, to be on the ground with the least respected of humanity and to have a tool in my hands to help. I am doing this because I value the substance of gaining knowledge and skills much more than the shiny suit or business plan that could be used to gloss them over. I guess I really am choosing arete- to fulfill my fullest potential, to endure hardship and difficulty... The real reason is that, this choice is all that will undo that knot deep down in my stomach and let me go to sleep.

Fear

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." James Baldwin

The devil is
A rat terrier
And a friend, a confidante,
Tells me she heard barking
Down a certain street
On my way home
A lot of barking

And I can see
the big doberman pinscher
in my mind's eye,
know that it will rip me apart.

So I meander through the alleys,
trying to find a different way, cold
afraid, on the street,

Until I face it,
if I die, I die,
and come eye to eye
with a small, leashed
---devil.

And laugh.

"Fear Not!"

The ever- living words of Christ as the disciples feared the storm. The words of Pope John Paul II addressing the crises of faith in the modern age. I am beginning my pre- med year. With three courses successfully completed, I am going to hash out the rest -- organic chemistry, physics, biology, and Calculus this year.
These are the courses that separate those who will follow their dreams in medicine from those who will find new ones--- outside of medicine. These are the courses that I used to hear horror stories about.
I am taking these courses not at a postbaccalaureate program, but at Augustana College, a small, local liberal arts college that has been highly ranked and has a good pre- medical reputation..... and I'm not afraid.
Part of this is due to the Augustana atmosphere itself. All of my classes have less than 20 students per faculty member. All are taught by professors with Ph.D.s, who, with the exception of one lab teacher, are women. All have open door policies, continual office hours, numerous opportunities for questions and improvement. Now I know why parents pay so much for this type of experience. People who are pre- med. actually expect to make it into medical school-- because, by in large, they do! I cannot emphasize the difference between this and a large state university enough-- and I did not mention how financial aid and advising gave me a scholarship and set things up to run very smoothly....
My living situation, work situation, and school situation seem to have, beyond all expectation or anticipation, come together beautifully. Success is not simply a result of simply studying hard. Study can only happen when, deep in my gut, I know this is right, that I'm in the right place, and that I am not alone. This is the first time in my academic experience that I have not been anchored in loneliness, I'm home!
Do I know whether I will get all A's? Of course not! But, somehow, I know that I will really learn this material as well as possible, here, and whatever happens next will be right. At the bottom, it is strange, because I am really not afraid.