Fear

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." James Baldwin

The devil is
A rat terrier
And a friend, a confidante,
Tells me she heard barking
Down a certain street
On my way home
A lot of barking

And I can see
the big doberman pinscher
in my mind's eye,
know that it will rip me apart.

So I meander through the alleys,
trying to find a different way, cold
afraid, on the street,

Until I face it,
if I die, I die,
and come eye to eye
with a small, leashed
---devil.

And laugh.

"Fear Not!"

The ever- living words of Christ as the disciples feared the storm. The words of Pope John Paul II addressing the crises of faith in the modern age. I am beginning my pre- med year. With three courses successfully completed, I am going to hash out the rest -- organic chemistry, physics, biology, and Calculus this year.
These are the courses that separate those who will follow their dreams in medicine from those who will find new ones--- outside of medicine. These are the courses that I used to hear horror stories about.
I am taking these courses not at a postbaccalaureate program, but at Augustana College, a small, local liberal arts college that has been highly ranked and has a good pre- medical reputation..... and I'm not afraid.
Part of this is due to the Augustana atmosphere itself. All of my classes have less than 20 students per faculty member. All are taught by professors with Ph.D.s, who, with the exception of one lab teacher, are women. All have open door policies, continual office hours, numerous opportunities for questions and improvement. Now I know why parents pay so much for this type of experience. People who are pre- med. actually expect to make it into medical school-- because, by in large, they do! I cannot emphasize the difference between this and a large state university enough-- and I did not mention how financial aid and advising gave me a scholarship and set things up to run very smoothly....
My living situation, work situation, and school situation seem to have, beyond all expectation or anticipation, come together beautifully. Success is not simply a result of simply studying hard. Study can only happen when, deep in my gut, I know this is right, that I'm in the right place, and that I am not alone. This is the first time in my academic experience that I have not been anchored in loneliness, I'm home!
Do I know whether I will get all A's? Of course not! But, somehow, I know that I will really learn this material as well as possible, here, and whatever happens next will be right. At the bottom, it is strange, because I am really not afraid.