Taking Over the World!

It has recently been confirmed that I have two alter egos—one that wants a colorful, contented life, and the other—with ambitions to “Take over the world!” On one hand, I would love to go home and garden. Or work as a social worker in metro- Detroit and turn a vacant lot into a summer garden program. On that hand, I want my grandma to find me a lonely farmer in South Dakota and settle down. It was that side of me that loved my internship working with women from prison in Detroit—or just walking through neighborhoods of burned down houses. It is that side of me that is excited about the seedlings I’ve started and imagines them slowly growing in their former water bottle planter. It is that side that wonders whether I should take a recent job offer as the manager of the children’s home I volunteered at in Lesotho.
Then there’s the other side. The one that cannot rest without being first in class; the one that is trying to read every Economist possible and stay in touch with the State Dept. briefings-- It is this one that was interested in policy and economics instead of becoming a therapist. It is this one that wants to apply for the Foreign Service and one day influence something. This one wants to do another research paper, although the requirements for my masters’ degree have been met. This one wonders about a future Ph.D. or additional degrees. It is this one that wants to go beyond those planter seeds to agricultural cooperatives in my village.
It seems, also, that my friends in Peace Corps fall into these two categories. On one hand, I have those who are very happy teaching and gardening and would love to continue doing so in the US. On the other hand, there are those who hope to start venture capital firms and international consulting agencies and stop worldwide disease with the WHO. Both groups are intelligent, motivated people, who have meaningful lives. Both groups challenge me.
Yesterday, I gave up trying to take over the world. I did not do my evening reading, nor my daily exercise. I just went on a walk, ate supper, and slept. I dreamed dreams of seeds in soil and grass roots social work in the states. Then I woke up, started checking the state dept. briefings and looking longingly at my shelf of foreign diplomacy books.
When I was in undergrad, we watched a 1930’s era film from Germany, about the meeting of heart and head. The film’s argument was that the heart’s objectives could not be achieved without the head, and that the head would go astray without the heart’s compass. I just need to figure out how my heart and head are supposed to be connected. As one friend, however, said, “Wherever I go, there will be people. It is being with and working with them that will make life meaningful.”