Holy Thursday

At my parish in Uganda, the Christians decorate the church hall with branches and straw, so you feel as though you are in a garden, and have prayer until midnight after Holy Thursday service.

You are to be waiting with Jesus in the garden, as he makes his decision whether or not to be crucified.

This year, I thought about all the ways we try to cling to life. Sometimes, I just want so badly for my life to transcend my limited earthly existence. I think that money and power and sex are, many times, the ways we try to move beyond our limited existences and influence others or be a part of others' lives. Most of all, we do not want to be alone, or limited to our own lives.

That is what death shows us; our limitedness, our loneliness. When you are a believer, however, you realize that you are incapable of changing it on your own. You see that no matter how much money, power or sex you have, you can not change your mortal status. Instead, you embrace the crucifixion, the death-- the poverty, the chastity, the obedience. Hope is believing that out of this will spring resurrection. It is believing that our attempts are just ashes but that someone greater can make beauty of them.

In undergrad, I remember writing a paper about the spirituality of HIV+ persons. Research has shown that, after the diagnosis of HIV, people (especially in the western world, where we have time to spend researching this)reported greater sense of life purpose and spirituality. In realization of mortality, we sluff off the old, dead body and begin to find the spirit, the purpose.

In the end, unless I die, unless I give up my grip on this life, I cannot live again, or even live fully here and now.